Ask Sarita: Man’s Gift to Relationship

Sarita loves to answer your questions, so if there’s something you’d like her advice on, please email her and let her know if you are happy for it to be published (you can remain anonymous). Here she answers questions on: bringing consciousness to relationship


Hello Sarita,

I have a question about what is currently arising in my relationship with Jade.

We are living just a little joy in our relationship. Every talk or our being together is drawn to be heavy and moody for me. I’m lacking lightness and joy, but I fail to convince or get her interested for that too.

She is saying she needs sitting together and looking to each others eyes, saying “I love you, I like to be with you” etc.

I need to have some fun, talk about plans, our thoughts or share what I’ve seen or heard in my day.

Often I come home full of energy with some ideas what to do. I start to discuss with her about them, but she doesn’t look happy about that. She’s in kind of slow meditative mode. She’d prefer to be hugged and praised, but when I do it, she needs longer, deeper and I end with feeling I’m not doing enough.

Sometimes I’m just sad and lock myself away, sometimes I’m pissed off and holding anger.

What can I do so that we have some fun, joy and fire energy in our relationship?

Love Jasper


Hello Jasper,

I can feel for you about this situation. You are offering a very clear description of how things are between you and Jade and you sound grounded and open about the situation. So firstly I would like to honour and respect your sharing and secondly I will answer your question. It is very helpful when a person clearly sees the issue and doesn’t run away from confronting it. This indicates that healing is possible.

It sounds to me like Jade is asking for what every woman wants and needs, i.e. quality connection. However, if this quality connection is there, and she still goes on asking, it indicates a deeper wounding around this subject, probably stemming from lack of attention from the father in early childhood. If this is the case, then this points to the need for personal healing. A relationship cannot be expected to provide all the love and healing for the wounding someone has brought with them from their past. This would be too much of a burden on the relationship. So, within a relationship, each person needs to seek their own personal healing, and resolve the wounding they brought with them from the past. In addition to this, each individual needs to meditate and be involved in their own healthful practices, whether that be Yoga, qigong, Tai Chi or other centering forms of exercise and moving the energy. This will provide a proper soil in which to grow the garden of a relationship.

You are obviously following creative pursuits, and this is a good thing. It sounds like Jade spends too much time alone and also needs to throw herself into some creative pursuit. It is very helpful for any relationship if the couple has some creative venture they are involved in together. This could be growing a garden together, cooking together, or supporting a charity together or other.

Of course, the fact that you are doing the Soul Mate Training is very good. The fallow times, when you have completed a series of meditations and are in the gap, is an excellent time to discover where the garden of the relationship needs weeding, and where to plant new flowers. You are currently in this phase.

I think it is wise if you find a way to create space for her to receive what she needs, but give it a time frame. As in, we will now have quality time together for one hour, or two hours or whatever. And also, make time when you will be able to share your enthusiasm for your creative projects. It generally helps a lot to create equal time. She shares and processes for one hour means you have one hour to share and process about your things.

I believe this situation is challenging you to let your masculine attributes develop, these being: 1) to be the pillar of consciousness, holding her in all her contradictions. For this, a sense of humour is essential as the sense of humour will create a bridge between your power and your vulnerability. Tease her a little, and roll around on the floor with her. 2) And of course, one of the ways to make a woman your true devotee is to fuck her to God…..When was the last time you did that???

As tensions build up in the relationship, it is also good to do some cathartic techniques together from time to time, such as pillow beating, gibberish meditation, etc. The projection exercise you learned in level 1 is also very helpful to do from time to time. Just as we clean the home we live in regularly, it is necessary to clean and refresh the relationship through emotional release techniques from time to time.

As you go on with the Soul Mate Training, many other facets of love and relating will be revealed, like the slow opening of a multi-layered flower. Patience and dedication is important in this process.

I look forward to hearing how you get on with this.

Love Sarita

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