My Initiation

Tantra Team member Dhyandeepa reveals the power and the passion of her journey into Tantra – which started with an office job in India! Life has never been the same since….

Tantra Essence

Deepa

Unlike most non-Indians I have met, I ended up in India with an office job. I had no desire or even the slightest curiosity to visit India. I was certainly not into meditation or yoga or anything “spiritual”. I was a practical, rational, adventurous, successful woman in my late 20s, with two Master Degrees from an Ivy League University, a diplomat with the United Nations working on Sexual and Reproductive Health. When the offer came to be based in India I thought to myself: “Well, it would be good to have experience in Asia on my resume and I can pay off all my school loans this way. OK, I’ll go!”

From the first week I was there, mother India started to re-educate me and show me how little I knew about myself, and how little I knew about the world. I met a man at a reception during that first week I was there, and for the first time in my life I felt a physical magnetic pull towards someone. I felt it from across the room; I HAD to meet him. I wasn’t walking across the room to meet him, I was being pulled across the room. In our love making I experienced something I had not experienced ever before: openness, vulnerability, a deep union between sex and love. I found myself crying during our lovemaking, and I couldn’t understand why. This was the first time in my life that I could truly surrender, give all of me, to a man, and allow myself to be seen.

A year later I joined my first ever meditation workshop, a weekend focusing on touch and meditation. There I met a lover with whom I went to an ashram for the first time in my life (just for the weekend though, I was a responsible diplomat still). He introduced me to Osho. He taught me how to enjoy the valley, the yin, the non-doing in lovemaking. He taught me how to stay present with his touch and with my breath, and how to expand my sexual pleasure through that. I remember the first time I gave him oral sex, he told me to stop and asked me what I was doing… adding that he is not a lollipop. I was mortified, embarrassed, and realized instantly that I actually did not know what I was doing. I was reenacting how I thought it “should” be done, but not really feeling anything and certainly not connected to him in the moment. He asked me to just stay present, with his lingam inside my mouth without moving, connect to him, and relax. I experienced a sensation that was like fireworks going off on the roof of my mouth. This mouth orgasm lasted for 3 days! A couple of years later I would find out that our entire bodies are capable of having an orgasm, every nook and cranny.

My re-education and initiation continued, and this time I saw a man (again at a reception – I went to a lot of receptions for my work back then!) across the room, our eyes locked, and nothing else existed. Even though the room was full of people and sounds, I couldn’t see anyone else and I couldn’t hear anything but my heartbeat and my breath. The months that followed were a mixture of pain and pleasure, as he proceeded to point out so many of the masks I wore, inviting me to drop them layer after layer. He could see through them, as if he was piercing through me straight into my essence. I had no idea I was even wearing these masks, I had no idea these masks were not really me. To come to terms with these illusions and the purpose they were serving, what they were hiding, was a painful and exhilarating process. Our relationship and lovemaking pushed my boundaries in every way. There was the deep surrender of the geisha, the practice of non-attachment that comes with living in the moment fully and only for the sake of the moment, and the exploration of energy within the body and our auric fields.

Sometime later I met another man with whom I explored the presence of the divine during love making. I began to concretely feel the presence of different aspects of the divine, various Gods and Goddesses descend upon us during love making. Magically, he would experience the same. Our love making was a mixture of raw, wild and sacred sex.

Tantra Essence

Deepa with her beloved Nisarga

About 3.5 years had passed with me based in India, and I had fully paid off my loans and could put Asia solidly on my resume. I had fulfilled the reasons I had set out for myself when I accepted that job posting. Now it was time to explore the real reasons I had ended up in the bosom of mother India! I decided to quit my job and go on sabbatical from my career for a few months to explore meditation and myself, before signing a new contract at work. I had spent decades studying global, political, economic, and health systems, traveling and working in Latin America, the Caribbean, Africa, and Asia, but knew so little about myself or life.

Less than a year later, having taken sannyas with Osho, I found myself in a Tantra retreat in the foothills of the Himalayas. My initiation was complete… apparently it was time to journey on this Tantric path full time! During that Tantra retreat I met Sarita, and became partners with a man whom I still call my beloved, and who is now my husband. There, he and I began to intuitively explore the healing qualities of sexual energy, which pierced through our internal channel and flowed with such intensity upwards opening the path along its way, it felt like a gushing fountain. Our connection was intense and profound, healing in itself. His lingam could not only feel when I felt desire, but he could also detect even when I merely had sexual thoughts. We honored each other as God and Goddess. Each one offering support to the other on our next step towards awakening. Union, balance. We have been friends, partners and soulmates, traveling, discovering, learning, growing, and sharing since then….

I am very grateful to mother India for luring me to her through that seemingly “innocent” job post. And I am so grateful to those Shivas which Mother India put along my path to initiate me and support me to discover for myself the union between sex, heart and spirit, coming back home to myself as a woman, and as a being. To experience the divinity and sacredness of myself, of the body, of the other, of sex, and of the Whole. Namaste, Om Shiva

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