Fulfilment for lovers: Sarita’s Blog

The promise of deeply fulfilling love is written into every cell of our bodies, each heartbeat and every longing of our mind. We reach out to embrace life as young persons, eager for a caress offering unconditional love. As we mature physically our hormones tell us the fulfillment we seek will be delivered through sexual union and we search for the perfect mate who will know just through a look, a smile or feverish sexual engagement, how to satisfy our every desire. Our fairy tales always end with, “and they lived happily ever after.’


love relationships often become a power struggle

And yet, much later in life, many people are still looking, searching, for that elusive and perfect union that simultaneously fulfils sexuality, love and spirituality. There is seemingly nowhere to turn in this world to find it. There is no education readily available teaching us how to evolve our sexuality in a way that gives rise to fulfillment. People search through books, dating sites, porn, swingers clubs, groups, pubs, always looking for more and better information and understanding as to just what makes for a fulfilling sexual and emotional engagement.

Sometimes we find a person with whom we resonate and everything appears perfect for a time. And then come the projections, the blame, the hurt and anger to disrupt the game of love, spinning us into chaos. And yet, we go on hoping, dreaming and searching.

This nature driven obsession to discover harmonious and fulfilling union with another is simply part and parcel of being human. It is no use trying to repress or condition it to be something other than it is. The jungle grows around long fallen once proud walls. Nature finds its way to succeed in the face of adversity. And likewise, our sexual energy and power will always find a way to emerge and be felt no matter how many repressive scriptures and twisted ideologies are thrown at it. Rather than fight it or reform it, we simply need to understand our sexual nature and work with it harmoniously.

Tantric sages from India and China had it all figured out long before our current society was even dreamt of. And in fact, if we can understand the simple way nature lives and breathes though duality throughout the entire formed world, we have unlocked the open secret of male female relationships. A quote from the The White Tigress Manual, Female Taoist Masters, translated by His Lai, says:


Taoist lovemaking

Heaven, (male) creates. Earth, (female) is receptive. The male is active and so seeks stillness. The female is still and so seeks activity. Each must acquire the essence of the other to be complete.”

If we can understand the simple fact that men and women are opposite and yet complementary, we hold the golden key to fulfilment. Of course, we will have to use this key to unlock our mutual fulfillment. Simply holding a key will do nothing. It is the act of turning it in the lock that will open the door to bliss. Below, I offer the outline of how we can apply this golden key to several dimensions of love relationship.

Sexual Fulfilment
In Taoist terms, reality is a dynamic flow of Yin, (female) and Yang, (male). Yin is thought to be like water and yang like rock. Yang is outward going, hot, goal oriented, pointed and directional. Yin is soft, yielding, liquid, expanding.

The sexual relations people are introduced to in our society are for the most part yang. We move from warm to hot to super hot and then, it is all over. This scenario is only half the game. For sexual union to be fulfilling we need to honor the naturally occurring waves of Yang and Yin that hold the fabric of our formed world together.

Tantra Essence

Experiencing the bliss of yin style lovemaking

A harmonious flow of hot peak activity alternating with cool, yin resting, meditating, and simply being together is ideal in each sexual union. 20 minutes of Yin, followed by 20 min. of Yang and then melting into another 20 minutes of Yin, followed by more Yang and so on, will bring profound fulfillment to the male and the female. We call this peaks and valleys lovemaking. It is also known as the Great Life Renewing Union, because this style of lovemaking will be highly regenerating to body, mind and soul.

Riding the waves of Yin and Yang can prolong the act of love union for hours. Indian Tantra scriptures describe Shiva as riding the waves of Yin and Yang during love union for 6 hours at a time. By opening yourself to this style of love union, you will notice that your sexual pleasure will be tremendously enhanced. For those who are adept in meditation, the Yin phase is an opportunity to dive into deep Samadhi together.

In love relationship, communication is very important. We can either enhance or destroy a relationship by how we communicate. In general, when people are in intimate relationship, they will have a tendency to regurgitate what they have heard demonstrated in their childhood. If parents were nagging, angry, or one the victim and one the aggressor, the child will grow up and seek to duplicate these ways of expression in their relationships, even if they don’t wish to do so.

It is important to connect with the voices, which are imprinted inside of us, and if we find any voice that is not ours, to ask the person whose voice it is, to leave. In the space that is created after doing this, we should then invite in the quality, which is in tune with our soul calling, to be present inside of us. For this work, you do not need the physical presence of the person whose voice is inside of you. You can simply sense their presence through your imagination, and then ask them to leave, speaking out loud as you do so.

Tantra essence

Whoe body listening

Another aspect of communication, which is important, is to practice Whole Listening. If you would like to communicate something, infused with vulnerability and emotion, you can sit opposite your partner and agree on roles.

One person becomes the listener and this state of listening is done with your whole body, as if your ears cover your entire body. This is the yin role.

The active partner, ie the one who is taking a yang role, will speak their truth on the delicate subject to be discussed, taking about 5 minutes.

After 5 minutes, the Yin, listening person, will say what he or she heard, mirroring that back. This mirroring is not that of a parrot. Because you have listened with your entire body, you will be able to mirror back what you have heard as a lived experience. You are literally tuning in and becoming what your partner is sharing. It is important that the listener does not state any opinion on what they have heard, but simply says it.

After about 3 minutes of mirroring back, this partner will ask, “Have you felt heard?” And the one who was being mirrored can say if there is anything the listener forgot.

Then, exchange.

This Whole Listening, which I learned from David Wagner of Tachyon Technologies, is an excellent way to discover harmony in communication. It literally opens the way for communion. The reason it is so effective is because you are bringing a balance of yin and yang into the communication.

Chakras and Subtle Energy

Two lovers can be transformed so deeply that all their seven centres can start meeting. Tantra is the science of turning ordinary lovers into soul mates. And that is the grandeur of Tantra. It can transform the whole earth; it can transform each couple into soul mates. It has not yet been used. It is one of the greatest treasures that is lying there unused. The day humanity uses it a new glow will surround the earth; the earth will become aglow with a new love.

Osho, Philosophia Perennis vol. 1

The chakra system is an important reference for men and women to be aware of and work with, for bringing harmonious flow to how our energies interact. Each of the chakras except the crown chakra is either Yin or Yang. The 7th chakra is beyond duality. The seven main chakras, their life lessons, and colours are as follows:

1) Sex Center, encompassing the whole pelvic area, Colour is Red, Life Lesson: Survival instinct, Procreation, Sexuality and orgasmic ecstasy. The first chakra is a yang polarity in the man and a Yin polarity in the woman.

2) Lower Belly: Colour: Orange, Life Lesson: Birth and death and learning fluidity in all the emotions which arise between these two polarities. The second chakra is Yang in the woman and Yin in the man.

3) Solar Plexus, Colour is Yellow, Life Lesson: Becoming vast enough to contain the contradictions posed by life, which automatically gives rise to genius. Where two contradictions meet is the ultimate truth. In the third chakra, we are also challenged to throw off conditioned belief given by others and to discover our individual soul calling. The third chakra is Yang in the man and Yin in the woman.

4) Centre of Chest (Heart Chakra) Colour: Green or Rose, Life Lesson: Love, Nurturing and Compassion, opening into oneness with the universal heart. The fourth Chakra is Yang in the woman and Yin in the man.

5) Throat, Colour, Turquoise, Life Lesson: Becoming a Co-creator with God, expression of your soul calling through creativity, learning to speak from a place of truth. The 5th Chakra is Yang in the man and Yin in the woman.

6) Forehead, between the eyebrows, Colour, Blue, Life Lesson: Expanding intuition, clairvoyant vision, surrendering of the ego to the wisdom of the soul. The 6th chakra is Yang in the woman and Yin in the man.

7) Crown of the Head: Colour, Violet, merging into white light, Life Lesson: Moving into cosmic consciousness, beyond duality, becoming one with all that is, orgasm with the universe.

When a woman is in tune with the powerful energies of her Yang chakras, (2, 4 and 6) and allows herself to be receptive in her Yin chakras, she will feel simultaneously powerful, blissful and relaxed.

When a man is in tune with his Yang chakras, (1, 3 and 5) and enters into receptivity in his yin chakras, he will find a way of life, which is radiantly peaceful, playful and joyful.

tantra essence

The ecstasy of the chakras meeting

The chakra system of men and women are designed to be in harmonious union, fitting together like lock and key. The male offers his gifts to the woman from his Yang chakras, and the woman offers her gifts to the man through her Yang chakras.

Just as we can experience orgasm in the first chakra, (sexual centre) we can also experience different flavours of orgasm through union of each of the chakras. And when all 7 chakras are aligned and in union, the male and female experience the phenomenon of the soul mate. At this point, the crown chakra opens its thousand petalled lotus, allowing us to experience Universal Consciousness.

It takes dedicated Tantra meditation practice to experience this fusion of the Chakras. But it is well worth it. There is no other journey so worth taking as this one. It is the greatest pilgrimage on earth.

When we play with the union of dualities of Yin and Yang, so easily accessible through being lovers, we discover a fast track to enlightenment. The reason is that the key to all spiritual liberation is accessed through what happens when two dualities merge. This meeting point is the portal directly into Godliness. However, the effectiveness of it depends on learning the knack of being aware as this union of polarities is taking place. In other words, we simultaneously enter into meditation as the merger is happening. This merger may happen while in embrace, while kissing, while sleeping next to your lover, in deep sexual union, or while practicing Tantra meditation together. The potential for sublime ecstasy is truly woven into the very fabric of our beings.

As we learn to approach love relationship in the same way we approach a temple of God, we have made a quantum leap in consciousness. By doing so, we are playing with merging of polarities, through the union of sex and spirit. In my understanding of life, we have been invited to Planet Earth to learn this lesson.

When you make the two as one, and when you make the inner as the outer and the outer as the inner, and the above as the below, and when you make the male and the female into a single one, so that the male will not be male and the female will not be female, then shall you enter the kingdom.
Jesus, from the Gospel of St. Thomas

3 responses to “Fulfilment for lovers: Sarita’s Blog”

  1. Druk Norb says:

    Hi Sarita!
    I just wish to know about ways of genital release and control of semen you were discussing and sharing about. how possible is it for couple to have lasted sexual union as long as 2-3 hours. prolonging sexual union is the dramatic problem many couple and lovers seem to face today in this age and era.
    hope you will enlighten me on these two area of doubts I have here to post you.
    have a great day ahead.

  2. Swami Anant Akash says:

    Beloved Sarita,

    You stated: “In love relationship, communication is very important. We can either enhance or destroy a relationship by how we communicate.” This is a essential point that is often not emphasized in Tantra retreats. “Love” is not enough. A seed of love no matter how special, or blessed by the Tao, will not blossom unless there is healthy communication processes between Tantra lovers that facilitates the relating, communication processes that informs lovers how to communicate so to truly understand and appreciate their lovers despite their own dark shadow or negative conditionings and the dark shadow and negative conditionings of their beloveds.

    Accordingly, Tantra lovers need to learn and to practice regularly a healthy communication process (e.g., using aspects of whole listening as you mentioned and nonviolent/compassionate communication, etc.) to maintain a loving relationship. Otherwise, it will deteriorate or end, no matter the depth of the heart-being connection. For this reason, from my perspective, any Tantra retreat 3-days or longer needs to include healthy communications teachings and practices as an adjunct to the Tantra teachings and meditations. Some Tantra lovers are paying several thousand dollars for retreats on healthy communication processes, for example, the Path of Love retreats that are offered internationally, which you are likely aware of. Why not have it all at one Tantra retreat whereby Tantra lovers will then be more likely to have sustainable and loving relationships, as a result of emphases on Tantra teachings and practices as well as healthy communications processes that include its teachings (i.e. how to) and practices.

    Love to you,

    • Sarita says:

      Hi Akash,
      Thank you for your detailed post in response to my blog.
      Yes, it is true that in relationship communication skills are very important. And, equally important is to learn the skill of conscious touch and massage, sexuality skills, emotional fluidity and spiritual development. Human beings are holistic and anything less than a whole person approach to love and relating is bound to create a milieu which does not fully nurture a love relationship. This is why it is so important to practice Tantra together as a couple, as this is the life approach which enhances each and every facet of a love relationship.
      Love to you

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