For decades I had been a slave to sexual fantasies in my mind. This was the result of the way I learned to masturbate, my initiation into sexuality, the porn movies I had watched as a teenager, and the shame I felt around my sexuality which led me to repress my true desires and expression. Of course, these were almost 100% directly linked to my ability to have an orgasm. This is the story of my journey to reclaim my orgasmic potential.

During one of the Soulmate Training levels I had a series of breakthroughs, which I have been working towards and longing for, for many years. As the fantasies mostly involved multiple partners (sometimes all men, sometimes a mix of men and women) pleasing me at different parts of my body, I realized that these substituted on the outside (at least in my mind) what I could not provide for myself, sexual energy flowing throughout my body. When this “Aha” moment clicked inside me I could not stop sobbing. How obvious, how sad. I understood that I could not find outside of myself what was missing, I would have to find it in me. I understood that for decades I had been going around with a begging bowl, when the only one who could possibly fill this void was me.

Learning to love myself PASSIONATELY!

The following night in my self-pleasuring meditation I allowed myself to see myself in my mind for the first time, and I watched myself pleasing myself, sucking my breasts, caressing me, kissing me, holding me, and telling myself how much I loved myself, my breasts, my body, all of me. This was the first time I had ever seen myself in my mind, and certainly the first time I had ever passionately loved myself. Again I sobbed.

REAL intimacy!

The next night, I let Nisarga into my mind. A deep, intimate, sanctuary of mine. I had started my sexual life believing that the other could have my body but not me. So where to hide? In my mind! And the other could never know. So I pictured Nisarga, my beloved, and me in foreplay – I let another in, there, with me, both together. Again I sobbed.

Sexuality IS Sacred

On the following night I experienced for the first time sex as a deep act of prayer. As I self-pleasured I connected to God, to the sacred, and I found communion in this act, as I offered my pleasure to the divine.

Accepting, integrating and rejoicing the different energies of the FEMININE

At the same time however, I could not reach anywhere near orgasm. And none of these breakthrough experiences were happening during actual penetration. I still didn’t know how to manage penetration and not escape from reality and into fantasy. My body had been accustomed to orgasm being triggered by mental stimulation, not physical, emotional, energetic or spiritual. My body rejected any desperate attempt of fantasies yet I did not know how else to reach orgasm. While I had unequivocally said no to what was hurting me, poising me for more than 2 decades, I had nothing to say yes to… yet!

A week later, I experienced a deep acceptance for the way my feminine energy expresses itself most naturally: in a nurturing, maternal, earthy way. I knew that I had longed to be the fiery, sexual type and I also knew that my energy simply did not express itself that way most of the time. I compared myself and thought myself less of a woman as a result. I realized that one of the main reasons why I discounted the mother earth type of energy that flowed through me is because my mother discounted being a mother. Being a mother was nothing in comparison to being “successful” (ie: intelligent, part of the “man’s world”). I sat in yubyum with a woman I saw as representing that fiery type, and as our foreheads touched I realized that we were equal, we needed each other, neither one was complete without the other, both were equally needed, and thus we were part of one another. We bowed to each other.

Accepting, integrating and rejoicing the different energies of the MASCULINE

A few days later, as we all sat in a large circle in a Tantric meeting, a voice inside me said that I needed to ask for support. “Say something, move, do something, don’t miss this opportunity,” the voice edged me on. So before I had time to think, I opened my mouth. “I would like to come to the middle and I would like two men to be with me, one in the front and one in the back, who is willing?” I blurred out in one breath. I had not thought it out, I did not know what I wanted really, but I knew something was moving through me which had to be expressed. Nisarga volunteered to be in front and another man to be behind me. I was scared, I had not asked “permission” if it was OK to do this, I was “hogging up all the space and time.” But this was a small faint voice in comparison to what wanted to be expressed through me, I didn’t listen. Once the 3 of us were comfortable, something inside me said to include another man. A particular man whose sexual energy I judged. I asked him if he would join. He agreed, and came to my left. At this point I felt I wanted another man there too. I felt something was missing. I was so afraid that I was asking for too much, and after all, what was I doing putting on this show in the middle anyway, who am I? Still that something inside me was stronger, thankfully, and I asked for another man’s presence, a specific man who represented for me Spirit. He came to my right.

I started to cry. I felt shame and sadness. And then I realized that this was not an external constellation, these 4 men represented different aspects of my inner masculine. I understood that there were parts of my masculine energy that I suppressed and judged. The man at my back, representing the one who holds it together, responsible, controlled, dependable. The man to my left, unbridled sexual desire. My beloved in front of me, heartful, playful, tender. The man to my right, father sky, spirit. I started to look at each one in the eye and say “you are part of my inner masculine and I love you, thank you” and then I said their name. Then I asked them to form a circle, holding hands, “I want you as one”. I ran around inside the circle in both directions, touching each one, laughing, rejoicing, enjoying each one. Then I asked them to come closer, with me standing in the middle. Inside me I noticed that my arms started to go numb and my legs started to weaken. I basically collapsed into their arms as they sustained me in the air, I let go completely, in trust and joy. I looked at each one in the eye and let it all sink in.

When they put me down I bowed at each one of their feet in turn, saying thank you. And with that gesture, that something else that was there guiding me was gone. Pfff, just like that, I was completely sober and fully back to myself. The movement of my soul was complete. I had recognized, accepted and integrated these different aspects of my inner masculine.

Listening to my body

I had had suggestions to play out my fantasies consciously, from a space of love, as a meditation practice, for healing. To bring my full sexual desires into my spiritual life and love. To allow my body to have an imprint of what that ecstatic state would be like consciously. I kept checking in with myself, “is this what I want?” I kept asking myself. The answer that kept coming was no. My body was saying no, even if at times my mind said yes. I have had enough disconnected sex, I didn’t need to have more, in the name of Tantra or Healing. And I refused categorically to seek from the outside what I knew would never satisfy me, because it didn’t come from the inside first. I wanted to find a way to fill this void withIN me. And as desperate as I felt at times, as I was still nowhere near orgasm, I refused to be a beggar, I refused to keep looking outside for a way to complete me.

About a week later, one afternoon I started to get a head ache and to feel angry. Rage in fact. I was a mess, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I went through some catharsis, but that didn’t change much. And I knew that no matter how much pillow beating, tantrum, screaming and kicking I did, this wasn’t going to go away like that. I had a rough night, itching all over, and then weird dreams. I was clearly agitated. The next day I woke up with my body and my mind racing. I did vipassana, shaking, breath release, more catharsis…

nothing was working. It was a mix between rage from my solar plexus, animal primal instinctual energy, and sexual energy. “Maybe if I just gave myself an orgasm all would settle down,” I thought to myself. But I didn’t.

Allow the body to take over, let go and surrender

In the evening, I went to a drumming circle. I started to meditate deeply inside me. I started to feel my left arm move on its own. I wasn’t doing the movement, IT was moving. “Interesting” I thought to myself. Soon my right arm also started to move and they started to intertwine, like 2 snakes. Hmm. I also noticed that when I made any movement that was of my own volition, when I entered into “doing”, I would get the feeling of wanting to throw up. Even if it was to scratch my nose. So I paid very close attention, ensuring that I didn’t go into automatic, and got out of the way of whatever was happening through me as much as possible. Slowly, slowly I let go and surrendered. Slowly my body started to move, shake. And I started to make hissing sounds. I breathed deeply and just allowed this to take over fully. My jaw started to tremble.

Opening fully and trusting the mystery, allowing grace to descend

Throughout the 5 hours that followed I never once left my body. Although my eyes were closed 99% of the time, I only had one vision, a fleeting one: a snake engulfing a cross, and the cross disappearing. For the duration of those 5 hours my left arm was a snake, my fingers its tongue. It hissed over me, in particular from my sex center to my crown. It made fast movements, accompanied by hissing sounds which came from my mouth, and my fingers made all kinds of gestures. I know that these were energetic healings, openings, harmonizing. My left arm and hand had converted into the Kundalini snake, with all its healing powers.

My body started to convulse, shake and contort in ways I could not imagine. Sometimes just around the heart, sometimes the belly, sometimes the whole torso. My legs were my anchor. Very unlike me, I didn’t care who heard me, saw me or who it might “disturb”, this is what was running through me. I felt vulnerable and powerful at the same time.

The woman to my left was obviously very triggered by my experience, and she repeatedly tried to sing lullaby songs at me. The force inside me got stronger and wilder when she did that, as if to say: “do you think you can TAME THIS? do you think you can CONTROL THIS?” I didn’t care. I had compassion for her, knowing that some years ago I couldn’t stand to watch 5 minutes of such a display (although I never saw such a wild display) much less 5 hours of it.

The voice of my good friend who was there sent me into hysterical and uncontrollable laughter, which then led into intense orgasmic waves. Both laughter and orgasm coming from the belly, both induced by sound. At those times the quality of the energy that traveled through me was more of a young woman, coquettish, unbridled, dripping, hot, wet, luscious. Orgasmic sounds came through me. I was in shock. I did not touch myself anywhere. How could it be? Is this what whole body orgasm really feels like? It’s so different from genital orgasm, I thought to myself. It’s expansive, joyful and out of control. So different from the focused intensity of a genital orgasm. Wow. What a weird mix: so relaxed yet so intense.

Then would run through me a strong wave of Goddess Kundalini energy, powerful, grand, expansive, godly. My arms would make all kinds of motions, mostly circular, and sometimes up and down. Sometimes this would be accompanied by deep and fast breathing. Wow, such power. As if I could make the earth shake, fire manifest right there in front of me. And after a bit of time of intensity, I would tap into a calmness, like the bottom of an ocean, yet it was like floating above it all, not below. I thought to myself on a couple of occasions, wow, that’s my sexual energy, that’s coming from my pelvis, yet it’s divine, it’s sacred, it’s godly, it’s what makes all this happen, wow.

I would also get a primal animal energy, like a large feline. I would growl, bite down with my jaw, roar. And then there was the shamanic energy which flowed through me, at least that’s what I call it. The healings I applied to myself. The being able to connect to different people’s energy in the room. All of this would come in waves, with just 30 seconds or so in between for pauses. Building up, exploding, coasting, pausing, building up again. At one point I managed to stand still for a bit, and my arms raised above me, and I felt a warmth coming down and entering me. This is what Mahamudra prayer is about, I thought to myself. Now I know.

I had infinite amounts of energy. The energies in me rotated at their will, between the primal feline, the shamanic healer, the Goddess, the coquette. All orgasmic in their own way. At times, I helped the energy along, kick-starting it, and then it just took off again. The drum was unwavering. Sometimes slower, sometimes faster, sometimes leading, sometimes following, sometimes neither. It became a Shiva-Shakti dance, the two divine cosmic energies making love. The snake rising to the beat of the drum. Without the drum, the snake could not soar as high, without the snake the drum was just a passing sound in the wind. It was amazing! This consummation. Surrendered to the beat of the drum, to the rhythm of life. Both energies without goal, both equal, both surrendered to the other, both powerful simultaneously, complementary. Both pure, total, co-creating.

Wow, all that without touching my body once! I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror, timidly, wondering what I would see. I saw myself, just as I knew me, nothing more nothing less. I was so happy. It was ME! With that, I was fully back. I went outside where I could be alone, naked. I breathed so deeply, so openly, so full of joy. I dropped the blanket and stood there under the cloudy sky, surrounded by the trees, and danced in celebration in silence. Yes, this just HAPPENED. Yes, my body WILL remember. Yes, I am fully CAPABLE. Yes yes yes! I laid outside for the rest of the night, naked wrapped in the blanket, not sleeping, in awe and gratitude.

Gratitude and Blessings

The Goddess gave blessings to everyone in the room during the night. I felt like it was a personal initiation, where every cell of my body was permeated, one so epic that my mind could not deny later that it happened. At the same time, while it was tremendously healing for me, I also felt it was a way for the Goddess to carry out her work, important at the collective level, using my form through which to express herself at that moment.

I connected to something that I didn’t think was possible for me in this lifetime. I experienced the fullness, strength and vastness of my sexual energy. I connected it clearly with the divine. I allowed it to spread throughout me and nourish me deeply. I allowed myself to let go, surrender and be freer then I have ever been. I allowed myself to be a vessel through which the Goddess could express herself.

I have always felt my “earth” energy as a burden, as a heaviness, like a sack of bricks to be frank. But during this night I understood how grounded I could be AND fly at the same time. And how much fire could burn in me in the process. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel my body as a limiting factor. I didn’t feel limited by gravity. I had a body, clearly, but it was form, not a weight. Wow. Is it possible? Yes! It is. Wow wow wow.

Turning Poison into Nectar

Clearly these are powerful times, where sincere inquiry bears fruit quickly and intensely. I had been longing for this day for so long. I remember Sarita in the first Tantra group I did, along with her assistants, in holding Sannyas celebration and Energy Darshan. This powerful transmission of spiritual energy includes ripples and waves of orgasmic energy moving through the body accompanied by a waterfall of orgasmic sounds from those holding the transmission as well as from those receiving. I remember saying to a woman next to me: “Do you think it’s real or are they faking it?” I remember thinking to myself “they are faking it! No way is it real!” I wanted to convince myself this, because of the pain I felt in not being able to feel my orgasmic energy. I compared myself to other women, feeling terribly inadequate. Like a little girl compared to “real women”. And I felt like a fake!

But now I know exactly what all that feels like. I have heard myself and felt my body as it goes into the laughter, the convulsions and shaking. I know what a full body orgasm is. I know I’m fully capable, there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m not broken, I’m no less of a woman, no less of a sacred or sexual being.

But first I had to pass through different steps of healing, turning poison into nectar, before I could open to this vibration of energy to flow through me. I had to break beliefs which served as limiting chains and bonds, and trust and believe. I had to let go of the old way of reaching orgasm once and for all, a way that disconnected me and hurt me. I realized that what I was in search of was something that was lacking in me, and categorically stopped looking outside to be fulfilled sexually. I was able to love myself passionately. I allowed myself and my beloved into my most intimate of places, my inner safe hide-away. I had a taste of what it means to commune with God through sexuality. I accepted my nurturing, earthy feminine energy and could feel it as equal to, and part of, the fiery sexual type of energy. I recognized other aspects of my inner masculine; I accepted them and felt love for them, brought them back home in me, and allowed myself to feel supported by them. I listened to my body, trusted my guts, opened to spontaneity and creativity, magic and mystery, no matter what my mind or others said. I dedicated myself to my process, not the outcome. And then… grace descended! I feel larger, I feel sensual, I feel my orgasmic energy running through me. This IS me.

How could I ever make love again from a space of not abundance and joy and love? I know I have done so a thousand times, but how could I ever again? I know I’m divine, I know I’m a temple, I feel it, I believe it, I know it deeply.

And what is orgasmic energy anyway? The way I experience it is, that it is the overflow of your cup (yourself), when it is so full it simply spills and flows, from a deep and endless fountain of abundance, joy, passion and love… for life! And when this meets spirit: THIS is the nectar!

Thank you for the opportunity to share this with you!

Love

Dhyandeepa

www.conscious-awakening.com