Solving the Relationship Dilemma

During the past year or so there are certain questions I receive on a regular basis from people all over the world. The question below contains the essence of the collective question on the subject of Polyamory.

My partner and I are trying to shift from mono to polyamory. I find that while living in normal society, this shift is proving to be very difficult. Relating in polyamory while having human emotions is so challenging! I hold his space while having no expectations for him holding my space, as my insecurity is only perceived by him to be un-awakened and negative. I need my partner to be compassionate to my insecurity and want to be gentle towards my bodily reactions, which I cannot control. He feels it as a nuisance. He wants to explore with other partners without being constrained by my so-called ‘underdeveloped consciousness’.

I read your blog post about spiritual aspects of mono/poly, and understood when we are in different paths and if we cannot hold each other, such relationship would be difficult. But if there is an advice about this situation, I will appreciate it.”

When delving into this subject, it is important to state very emphatically that the male and female attitudes on the subject of sexual lifestyles in many cases will be very different. So, the question is, how to respect each other’s differences while still moving forward with the paradigm shift which is trying to be birthed through us during this millennia?


The Roots of Monogamy

Patriarchy brought with it the idea of ownership and with ownership came the idea of monogamy and marriage. The father wanted to know who his progeny were, in order to pass down his possessions and amassed wealth to them upon his demise. He liked the idea that his own seed and nobody else’s would continue to propagate his lineage on earth. In order to achieve this, he had to suppress the woman’s sexuality so that she would remain faithful to him and would not go astray (having an affair and getting pregnant with the stable boy, for example). Women got used to being subservient to men, and to subjugating their own innate desires in service of the family line.

Women’s and Men’s Liberation

Then came women’s liberation and women reclaiming their right to sexual pleasure and multiple orgasm. Whereas before, it was thought that a lady should not feel sexual pleasure, and only prostitutes would have such feelings, with the advent of the pill, women felt liberated to seek out as many sexual partners as they liked. With this step, man also got fed up with being assigned to his role as provider and protector of the so called ‘weaker sex.’ He also wanted to know what male liberation may feel like. He stopped opening doors for women, stopped being the sole earner in the household and stopped hiding his desire for multiple partners. With the ending of marriage vows, and the advent of a more casual attitude in regard to relationship, the whole phenomenon of love and relating began morphing into a fluid and ever- changing dynamic, based more on momentary desire and less on stability.

The Polyamory Vision

Women felt marginalized when they were pieces of property to be bartered as a kind of merchandise. And now again, women tend to feel marginalized when the male holds up the ideal of a poly lifestyle, dangling it in front of his woman’s face like a carrot, saying, “If you can become the perfect woman who holds space for me to play the field, I will love you as my primary partner and our love will be magnified through multiple sexual experiences with others.” In theory, this sounds wonderful. And yet, it is not working out as people may imagine it should.

I would like to offer a reality check here. The best way to do a reality check is to look deeply into female and male biology. Our biology holds tremendous power over our psychology and emotions.

Women’s Sexual Biology

Biologically speaking, a woman is made in such a way that when she has sex with a man (especially if no condom is used), her yoni will actually change shape to become the perfect fit for the lingam of her lover. The morphing of the yoni, simultaneously morphs the woman’s brain and emotional function and she will begin feeling that this man is her mate. She will find herself shifting into receptivity towards his behavioural quirks as her whole body-mind system begins believing that this is her man and she needs to adapt to receive him on all levels, becoming ‘his woman.’ She will literally become physically addicted to his smell, the sound of his voice, the feel of his touch and the feel of his lingam inside of her. Body chemistry gives rise to feelings of love, addiction and attachment. On a deep biological level she begins seeing him as her protector and the father of her future children.

Because a woman bonds so deeply with a man, and because she is also naturally clairvoyant, she will feel, smell, and see if he has shared his sexual energy with another woman. Her whole psyche will send a danger alert, that her sole protector in case she is going to be pregnant, may be lured elsewhere. She will do everything in her power to hold her man, as to let him go will be physically and psychologically agonizing. Both men and women experience withdrawal symptoms when the lover leaves, just as you would experience withdrawal when coming off a hard drug. This is because sexual love is in fact, a drug. Receptors in our body open to the chemical cocktail of a lover and get addicted, needing a top up at regular intervals.

One of the ways a woman may try to hold on, is to agree with her lover, that “Yes, polyamory is great and of course we can try this out”, but from underneath, she will try every trick in the book to convince him it is not a good idea and if he doesn’t hear her subtle or not so subtle cues, she will feel betrayed and will lash out at him with as much bitchy energy as she possesses.

I have heard many men exclaim in exasperation, “But she agreed to a poly lifestyle when we met, so I don’t understand why she is now changing her mind!” Men, if you want to hold onto a poly lifestyle with a woman, never fuck her to God, as if you do this, she will then believe you are bonded body and soul with every fibre of her being. It will be inconceivable to her how you could wish to go elsewhere when you have just become soul mates!

A woman needs to feel deeply loved, passionately possessed, very secure and that a man wants nothing more than to provide for her. This may sound old fashioned, but it is not, it is just the effect of biology.

Many women try to deceive themselves that they are not what is written in their biology, and yet the biological program will seep out in so many ways. For some women reading this, it may come as a big relief to sense into what I am saying. And other women may think, “That is really not true as I love to play the field too, I enjoy being with multi men, and I don’t feel I need to bond deeply with anyone.” In answer to this, I say, “Yes, it is true that for certain phases in a woman’s life, she will also need to play the field. By doing so, she is in fact searching for the best possible ‘mate’. If a woman finds a man who rocks her world, she will not want to continue searching for more. She will wish to open into deeper intimacy, greater soul connection and a quality, secure lifestyle.

Women’s Sexual Phases

When a woman is an adolescent, she is in a phase of experimentation, testing the waters of erotic love and discovering her power as a woman. This phase may include multiple partners. Some women, because of religious or other types of conditioning, have missed out on this phase and therefore, later in life, they will try catching up with themselves by engaging in experimentation with multiple partners.

When a woman or a man enters the Saturn return, at the age of 28, his or her whole lifestyle comes into question. At that age, the soul is asking us to look deep within and to throw off what is not serving us and to move in the direction of our true soul calling. During this time, men and women may make big changes in their lives, ending a relationship which is not really fulfilling or experimenting with multiple partners.

A woman in this transitional phase of life may be searching for a partner that takes her into living her fuller potential. At about the age of 30, a woman reaches her sexual peak. If she has not been living a fulfilling sexuality, she may have a strong urge to experiment with multiple partners in order to discover the greatest high her hormones can take her to.

Women’s Search for a Soul Mate

I have found that in general, women are deeply attracted to Tantra, which offers the possibility of union in sexuality, emotions, mind and soul. The woman’s dream is in fact to experience the phenomenon of the soul mate, a great lover who is also plugged into spirit and who can hold her as she dives into full body and soul infused orgasms. Through orgasmic ecstasy she longs to feel oneness with her partner.

Many women in today’s world are deeply frustrated that the only men they find, may be able to open them sexually but are not willing to stick around and hold space for a deeper intimacy, not willing to take the journey all the way to oneness. More and more women are having the courage to say to their men, “No, a poly lifestyle doesn’t work for me. I want depth. I want Tantra.” At the time of writing, today, I was speaking with two women who shared with me that even though they loved and adored their man, they told him, “I cannot be with you if you just want to have a poly lifestyle. I want intimacy and Tantra, not to be with a butterfly. If you cannot be total, and honour me as the Goddess I am, I cannot stay with you.” And the man seems to be genuinely confused as to why his poly lifestyle should pose any problem for her at all, and tells her that it is a pity she is not ‘evolved’ enough to be with him.

Sexual Biology of Men

Now, let us explore how it is for men, biologically speaking and how this affects their psyche and emotions.

A man is programmed by his brain and body chemistry to desire to see naked women or alluring body parts of women, on a very regular basis. He will feel in his right place, if he sees sexually stimulating bodies moving in his environment, whether that be physically, in picture form or in his imagination. Testosterone will ask him to respond with sexual desire towards ovulating women, to seek the goal of depositing his seed in the fertile furrow of a woman in heat. A civilized man will wait for certain subtle signals that this particular woman is ready for his courtship, and yet he will also need to honour his animal instinct and to learn to enjoy the sexual impulses that course through him at regular intervals.

Man as Provider

And yet, if a man bonds with a special woman, who touches him deeply enough, within three years of being exclusively with her, his honeymoon hormones will diminish and nesting hormones will take their place. He will then find deepest satisfaction in providing a safe and secure home environment for his loved one. If a child is born to them, upon seeing his child for the first time, nature ensures that he will suddenly be pierced by the arrow of his role as provider and father for his new family. Eye contact on a regular basis with his child will bring him the deepest peace he has ever known and a powerful urge to protect his child will become the main driving force in his life. It is for this reason that many women instinctively try to become pregnant with a man, because they know deep down that once he sees into the eyes of his child, he will be bound by nature to become the provider and protector of her and their child.

The Lure of Multiple Partners

It may be a result of sperm levels dropping to 50% of what they used to be in men in the western world, that has given rise to the increased interest in a lifestyle which includes multiple partners. It is as if the sperm are desperately trying to find at least one fertile situation for the propagation of the species. The body and the psyche of the man may be calculating what the odds are of getting this woman pregnant, even though his mind may be saying otherwise. So many women use hormonal birth control measures, which may make them subtly unattractive to the heat seeking missile of the lingam. And so, the man is bound by nature to continue seeking for the right ovulating yoni.

The fact that many men were repressed by religion or by society during the peak of their sexuality, the teenage years, has made many men need to turn around and relive this promiscuous phase perpetually, trying in some way to experience the great ecstasy nature promised to them in their youth. Until they are satisfied that they have experienced full body orgasmic states on numerous occasions, they will continue to try and be a teenager again and again. They will shy away from intimacy and deeper bonding because they feel robbed of what their body wanted them to live between the ages of 17—21.

Tantra and Full Body Orgasm for Men

When a man practices Tantra, he will be able to have quality experiences of a fully embodied sexual ecstasy, and this will help him to wish to move deeper into intimacy. He will literally grow into his manhood, ready to take on more responsibility and to provide security for his mate. I have witnessed on numerous occasions how a man who practices Tantra with his Beloved, gradually grows into fulfilment beyond his wildest dreams. Because a man’s sexuality tends to be localised around his genital area, his imagination about what is possible through sexuality is also not very developed. It may take several levels of initiation and Tantra practice before he will realize what he has been missing all these years.

Male Bonding

Another aspect which is important for men is that of male bonding. A man is programmed by nature to need a transmission of manhood from a powerful male role model. Many men in our days have completely missed out on this basic need being met because of the ‘absent father syndrome’. By seeking multi partners, they may be trying in some way to prove to themselves that even though they never had the transmission of manhood from a father figure, they are attaining manhood by spreading their seed in many women.

The Mid Life Crisis

Some men make ideal partners providing a stable home environment for their family, till ‘manopause’ arrives, (also known as the ‘mid -life crisis)’. His eyes will then stray from his nest, wanting to prove that he is still a prime stud and can satisfy a young ovulating woman. This urge may become so strong that his entire psyche and emotional being will go through a radical metamorphosis. Because his testosterone levels are slowly decreasing as he ages, it is as if he seeks one last burst of the alpha male experience. Many men wake up one day to find that they have become the father of a new born baby at the same time as they are becoming grandfathers and wonder how it happened! Yes, indeed, biology is very powerful!

How to Bridge Male and Female Differences

While reading this blog, you may be wondering, “Yes, this is all very interesting, but what is the answer???”

The answer is not just one, but a combination of various factors.

  • Meditation and witnessing is the male path of spirituality. When a man practices meditation, he will be able to witness his biology and his woman’s emotions, and he will slowly flower into love and compassion.
  • Love and devotion is the woman’s natural path of spirituality. As she surrenders to love on deeper and deeper levels, she will find herself flowering into meditation, becoming a witness to all the dramatic energies that swirl in and around her.
  • When men and women learn from each other and merge together through Tantra practices, we discover a hidden harmony through the meeting of opposites. This brings compassion and understanding to the whole male and female dynamic.
  • Knowing that women like to go deeper into intimacy while men are interested in playing the field, a lifestyle which honours both is needed. If we simply accept the dual nature of men and women without trying to change the other to be like ourselves, this becomes the jumping board for intelligent lifestyle choices.
  • Our ancestors have already faced the same predicament and the wise ones have guided those societies into a model that offers the best of both worlds. In various ancient cultures, and particularly in the pagan culture of ancient Europe, a wonderful approach which honoured both men and women was put in motion and existed for thousands of years till Christianity wiped this culture out.

Beltane and Hand Fasting

Summarised briefly, this was hand-fasting and Beltane. Hand-fasting is the blessing of a union between a man and his beloved which is valid for a year and a day. And once a year, the celebration of Beltane would be held. During Beltane, the people of the village would jump over a low fire, which was lit all around the circumference of the village. Once they had jumped over the fire, they were invited to roam the forest free and wild, with no constraints on their sexual expression. This licentious expression continued for three days at which point they would return to the village. The couple could then decide if they wanted another hand-fasting ceremony, meaning a relationship for another year and a day, or whether it was time to move on to new pastures.

The Polyamory Mirage

I have witnessed that while Polyamory appears to be a really interesting solution to the relationship dilemma, in fact it doesn’t work. I see that women who apply themselves to this path become masculinized (and are therefore no longer attractive to men). The men then seek to draw fresh, young and innocent women onto this path. And men who follow this path appear to be stuck in a perpetual teenage loop, always escaping from deeper intimacy through searching for the next conquest, ad infinitum.

While poly people may claim to be really happy, I have not witnessed the bliss of true fulfilment radiating from their face and body. I have witnessed on numerous occasions, bitterness and thinly veiled anger and jealousy leaking out like water from a pipe with a hole in it. I am not doubting the sincerity of those trying out this experiment, however, I have not seen the results of it being a lifestyle which can work in the long run. I believe it cannot work because in this framework, women are not being honoured in their deeper needs and desires. The only model for relationship which can work is one which equally honours the male and the female approaches to sexuality and relating.

The Effects of Fluid Bonding

One issue which is important to address and which is not generally spoken about in free sex circles is the effect of fluid bonding for women on a subtle energy level. I was present to hear a discourse given by a woman who is a lineage holder for Traditional Kashmiri Tantra. She said that in her tradition it is taught that if a woman receives the ejaculation of a man inside of her yoni, she simultaneously absorbs his karma and that his karma will continue to affect her for at least 7 years. I am mentioning this because I have experienced it to be true and on questioning women deeply, I have found that women actually sense this and it makes them very uneasy in regard to having multiple partners. (The effect is less if condoms are used.)

Polyamory Survival Kit

If you are in relationship and one partner is not interested in polyamory but the other one is interested, then I would suggest that you separate while the partner who would like polyamory goes out to explore this. It has nothing at all to do with being evolved or not evolved. It is simply that one partner feels the call to try it out while the other partner does not. Honour each other and give space for the experiment. Wish each other well on your chosen paths.

If you have the idea to come back together at some point, set a date when you will meet again, after a gap of some months perhaps. Once you meet again, discover if you have something to live out together in intimacy, or not. If you are both still needing to go into different directions, then you can separate for good.

 Intimacy in Tantra

If he is willing to dive into intimacy and Tantra, then create a time frame to experiment with this path together, and be total in this experiment. We have two choices in relationship, to be with the many, and in the many to perceive and experience the one. Or, we can be with one, and through this one, experience that he is all men or she is all women.

The Recipe for Sexual Fulfilment

For society as a whole, I propose that Hand-fasting and Beltane are much more sensible approaches for a lifestyle which equally honours the masculine and the feminine. If a whole society subscribes to this way of life it will soon appear to be very normal. Just as the Brazilians have Carnival, and the Indians have Holi, our Western ancestors had Beltane. Whoever first conceived of this approach to life and love certainly had a deep understanding of both men and women and got the recipe for fulfilment just right.

I hope in future to experience a community that lives in this way, and to see with my own eyes, men and women finding their deepest prayers answered in sexuality, love and spirituality.

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