Tantra – Sexual Fulfilment for Couples

In Paradigm Shift 50, Jan-Mar 2011, Sarita reveals Master Keys for fulfilling sex.

Who has not dreamed of discovering how to live an ecstatic sexual life with a love partner? This longing transcends race, creed, nationality and epoch. It is a universal and timeless human longing, and rightly so, for it is through sex that our species can continue to exist. There have been societies in the past, such as ancient India, China, Tibet, Bhutan, Mongolia and Japan who put a great deal of energy into refining the act of sex into an art form, a science and even into a spiritual discipline. These societies have discovered that there are hidden keys in the sexual act to open all the doors of fulfilment for human beings, whether those doors be for pleasure, for love and relating, for creativity or for spiritual awakening.

This past research and its findings are urgently needed for our present day society. The sexual revolution has awakened the passionate longing in people to discover sex in all its varied forms. What people don’t realise is that without applying the master key of awareness to the sexual phenomenon, sexuality will move into a downward spiral of licentiousness and mere animality. The animalistic within us is not wrong, but if we stop there, we will miss the incredible bliss which is possible, when we can open ourselves to our full divine potential, inherent in sex, love and relating.

Master Keys for Sexual Fulfilment

  • No goal: Forget about the goal of orgasm. Learn to just be together in a timeless zone. This becomes more orgasmic than any genital release can ever be.
  • Be total: Full body breath, aliveness and let go are essential for the flow of sexual energy to become ecstatic.
  • Allow sounds: The natural sounds, which arise during lovemaking need to be allowed and even enhanced in order to liberate heightened pleasure.
  • Emotional fluidity: For full body orgasmic states, we need to be comfortable with expressing a full range of emotions as they arise. The sexual response is deeply linked to all emotional states.
  • Loving yourself: Men and women each have their own unique way of diving into sexual pleasure. Learn what you need through self-pleasuring, loving and accepting yourself, and then communicate this to your partner.
  • Give equal space to Yin and Yang elements during love union: There will be spaces of hot Yang passion during sex and there will also be opportunities for deep and tender melting into Yin. If lovers open up to equal waves of Yin, (the feminine quality) and Yang, (the masculine quality) during sexual union, they will be able to discover ultimate fulfilment.
  • Apply meditative awareness to the sexual act. Learn meditation and then apply this art of non-judgemental witnessing to all aspects of sex, love and relating. When sex becomes meditation, you will discover heaven on earth.
  • See sex as sacred: When we are able to experience awe and wonder for the miracle of sex, we are in tune with the creation principle, ie godliness. To jump start this process, allow yourself to see your beloved as a god or goddess. Open up your devotional nature, and worship your partner as divinity.

Letting go of inhibitions

To understand how to open up our full sexual potential we need to follow certain basic protocols. It is essential that we can learn to be uninhibited and let go of the prudish attitudes instilled in us through religious dogmas, which have condemned sex. One may ask, why in the world has anyone ever condemned sex as being wrong, bad, evil, unspiritual or any of the other terms it is labelled with? Why have we been saddled with sexual repression throughout generations? Why has humanity accepted to become schizophrenic, carrying a split personality between our animalistic and divine aspects? For those who enjoy conspiracy theories, well, you can have a field day with this subject.
By giving up sex or feeling guilty about our sexual ecstasy, we are cut off from our roots, and are therefore very easy to manipulate. When sexual exploration is given all the space it deserves in life, it is very easy to experience divine communion. Practitioners of the Tantric arts do not need priests, religion or dogma, because direct personal experience of God and the creation principle are so easily and obviously available through sexual ecstasy and love.
I have been working deeply with Tantra for the past 38 years, and as a Tantra teacher, I have seen and experienced again and again the ecstatic revelation people experience when they begin allowing sexuality to reveal its true potential as a door to spiritual oneness. Liberated from shackles of conditioning, sexuality is simply divine communion. What gets in the way of this divine communion is all idiotic concepts which torture people unnecessarily. Anything, which creates inner division within us is an unintelligent direction. Anything, which supports union of opposites, is a direction towards wholeness, integration and bliss.

Understanding Yin and Yang

The Yin Yang symbol, created in ancient China, offers a complete Tantra teaching. Yin is female, cool, resting, vast, timeless, eternal, liquid. Yang is male, hot, directional, active, dynamic, solid, dense. In life, as in love, the qualities of Yin and Yang are in a constant interplay, weaving in and out of each other as a continual evolutionary dance. When we understand this, we no longer have to manifest a war of the sexes. We can allow the weaving of Yin and Yang elements to move and play and enjoy learning from each other through this interchange.
In the Yin Yang symbol, the black area represents Yin. The white area represents Yang. However, within the white area is a black dot. And within the black area is a white dot. This means, if you go totally into Yin it will lead you to Yang. And if you go totally into Yang, it will lead you to Yin.

The Great Life Renewing Union

This is of prime importance to understand in relation to the sexual act. For the sexual act to be completely satisfying, we need to allow equal time for Yin and Yang aspects to manifest. These aspects would like to manifest, and it is only because of conditioned beliefs around sex that we do not allow this to happen. The normal view of sexual expression is extremely limited. Two people get together and there may be a bit of genital foreplay, followed by penetration, hot active movement, and ejaculation. This scenario offers minimal fulfilment. We are capable of so much more.
In deeply fulfilling sex, there is no goal. Time stops and the way of the heart opens up. No thought of performance disturbs such deep communion. There are waves of Yang, (hot activity) and waves of Yin, (stillness and melting into eternity). These waves are occur naturally. The secret is, to just get out of your own way, and allow it to happen. When you are able to ride the waves of Yin and Yang during sex, the sex act can continue for hours. It is my recommendation, in the beginning of your experiments with this, to move into 20 minutes of Yang, followed by 20 minutes of Yin, in undulating cycles. If you can allow three cycles of Yang followed by Yin, you will have the experience of the Great Life Renewing Union, where male and female elements melt as one both within yourself and with your partner.
You will discover, as you continue experimenting with this, that your sexual compatibility is enhanced beyond anything you may have dreamed was possible. This is so, because if you give equal space for Yin and Yang expression during sex, both the man and the woman have the possibility to expand in their natural expression, which gives rise to deep fulfilment and a profound acceptance of the opposite polarity.

Practical Application of Yin Yang Principles

In general, women need 20 minutes of foreplay before penetration, meaning all over body arousal, which may include cuddling, massage, kissing, dancing, etc. Men may not realize it, but such love play is also essential for the man to relax and let go of goal and performance, and just to be with a slow build up into Yang fire. When the fire is very hot, meaning, when the man has an erection and the woman has an erection of her clitoral bulbs and vaginal lips, and is secreting copious vaginal juices, then it is a good time for penetration. Enjoy a non-goal oriented fusion of genitals, feeling and revelling in the ecstasy of Yang fire and passion. At a certain point, one or both partners may feel a subtle dip in the flow of passion. This may come with a loss of erection, or a subtle feeling of stopping. This is the signal given by nature to move into Yin.
Diving into Yin is like a small death. Remain in deep fusion either in penetration or not, but holding each other in embrace. There may be erection and penetration or not, doesn’t matter. Just use this space to dive into non-doing, no movement, no sound, just melting into deep silence and restfulness together. If you had 20 minutes of Yang build up, now allow yourselves to melt into 20 minutes of Yin let-go.
Melting into Yin may feel scary, as spaces where the mind is not active appear like death for the mind and ego. However, the void space of Yin, is vitally important for fulfilment, as it is in Yin that we meet our soul and discover sources of wisdom inside which we never knew we had. It is in Yin that we are able to tap into godliness, from where all creation is born. As you melt into this space with your lover, you come back to your original oneness, the space before duality. This experience is deeply healing on all levels, bringing a most intimate and even holy quality to your union.
In some cases, the man may feel very afraid that he cannot get his erection back. Don’t worry! Remember, Yin and Yang weave in and out of each other in an eternal feedback loop. When you have really let go into Yin, then automatically, after a certain time, Yang energy will begin manifesting. Like magic, your desire for hot sexual play will awaken, and the second time, you will be much more in synch with your partner as you move into Yang arousal. Once you have the knack of moving with the waves of Yin and Yang, there is no looking back. This type of sexual union is so deeply fulfilling, that it appears ludicrous to make love in the old way.

Genital Release and Conservation of Semen Practice

Of course the question may arise, “what about genital release? Is there space for genital orgasm with Yin Yang lovemaking?” Yes of course there is. On this subject, it is important to understand that people tend to go towards a goal of genital release much more often than is required by the body. As a man gets older, he needs much less ejaculation than he did in his teens for example, and to ejaculate frequently can even be detrimental to his energy levels. You can dissolve the belief that you need to ejaculate every time you make love, and this will take the pressure off. Learn to ride the waves of Yang and Yin, and as you do so, pay close attention as to whether your urge to ejaculate is coming from emotional tension or from a true physical need. Train yourself to ejaculate only when your body requires it, the frequency of which will depend on your age and health. As you conserve your semen and yet have frequent sexual interaction, you may discover that you begin a process of rejuvenation and youthing in regards to sexuality.
For a woman, the sexual response is opposite to a man. She can have multiple orgasms without loss of energy, and remains on an orgasmic plateau for at least 20 minutes after she has had an orgasm, meaning she is ready for more orgasms during that time. This is not to say she cannot benefit from relaxing around the subject of a goal during sex. It can be of tremendous benefit for a woman to also let go of the goal of orgasm, and just enjoy being in the moment with her lover, allowing what wants to unfold within the cycles of Yin and Yang. Such a deep let go can bring both the man and the woman into a deeper fusion, beyond their small selves into an orgasmic union with the whole universe.


The art and the science of Tantra offers man and women the opportunity to realize the ecstasy of universal consciousness through meditative methods applied to each aspect of daily life. This includes creative expression, thought processes, sensorial experiences, and sexuality. In a nutshell, Tantra offers us the intelligent union of opposite polarities. Where opposites meet is the experience of universal consciousness, the creation principle. In this article, one method of Tantric meditation has been described. There are hundreds more which are available to explore. In my 7 level couples training, lovers have the opportunity to explore sexuality, love and relating through Tantra, discovering along the way that ecstasy is our very birthright.